Behind the Big Jewish Nose

A Fall to Remember

2011-12-05T17:52:00.000-08:00

Foothill Knolls Elementary school reunion! Upland, ca SO FUN!

View of Canada from Detroit, Caesars Palace!

Ben and Jerrys new flav! Ann Arbor

Ann Arbor, Michigan

Holy Moley I ate polish sausage in Detroit ...so good!!

Poker for the anitsocial, Caesars Palace Canada

Just one section of the Ikea sized xmas store (the Smores ornaments of course), Michigan. And NO thats not my boyfriend!

I was digging the sweater! Corona Del Mar Xmas Walk

Robin and I took a trip to the north pole! Naw I edited the pic...Costa Mesa!

Trees on the east coast!

Dr. Eric (in 1 year) U of M Linguistics Dept.

Cassey, Demi, Me and Della. HAWT cuzzins on Thanksgiving

Happy and...Happy

Cancun with Jenny

Jet packing during sunday brunch at Rusty Pelican w/Liz

Me, Dawn, Liz and Kelly. Liz's Bday dinner.

ummm yeah. At a guys house I dated. Notice the past tense.

My Cuzzins babays

Eric and I ice skating at Prost Arena, U of M

For my mom: Occupy Ann Arbor. It was 30 degrees.

Our waiter at Happy Hour is the dude from Twilight!

just cute

Ummm Smores can I please type?

Michael Jackson Dance party!!!!

Beautiful Tuscon AZ

Mt. Lemmon, AZ

OC fair to see Pat Benetar - Harry Heng!

Me and my cuzzins. 21 again. ( I airbrushed)

Two Lesbians Raised A Baby And This Is What They Got

2011-12-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

2011 Reflections

2011-11-15T00:38:00.001-08:00

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Finding probably the best roommates ive ever had. They are an older Christian couple and they are very loving and accepting!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Working in a very unhealthy environment.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

A elementary school class reunion. So fun!

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

Finding a steady job that pays well. Its definitely an employers market.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

Stressful, Restful, Reuniting

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

Awakenings, Bravery, Reflective

8. What were the best books you read this year?

I only read self help books and my favorites were:

Healing the Hungry Heart –Poppik

You Can Heal Your Life (reread)- Hay

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

This year I spent a lot of time with my good friend Eric (from Jr High Band). Even though he lives out of state, somehow we saw each other a lot and have been talking a lot.

Jenny, my sis, and Liz were my closest most consistent relationships. Also ive had a lot of time with Harry Heng!

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Trying really hard to grow up and be responsible. The harder I try the younger I become! lol

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

Ive learned that instead of overanalyzing everything Ive said and coming to the conclusion that im a horrible person and no one likes me, I just tell myself “ok joella you learned from this. You live, you learn.” I then let it go, and move on.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

Im really starting to make a shift in my negative perceptions and allowing myself to feel deep emotions that I usually do what I can to avoid feeling. Bad feelings are worse in my mind then in my body!

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

Just weight gain but im actually ok with it.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

I reunited with a lot of people this year and I was able to start to regrow and nourish those relationships. For the first time in a long– ive experienced challenges in a couple of friendships. This helped me to strengthen and appreciate the good friends I do have.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?

I redecorated my room and made a cool head board and mismatched photos on the wall.

16. What was your most challenging area of home management?

Cleaning. I definitely procrastinate. Although I keep up with laundry very well. Thank gawd we have a housekeeper! Yes im bragging.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Facebook of course!

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Walking almost everyday.

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
That I have a lot of negative perceptions of life and that everything bad that happens is not my fault. I tend to think that there’s something about my thinking or energy that brought a circumstance into my life. This is in regards to the law of attraction. Ive come to realize that its more multifaceted.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

Growth in the darkness.

Yenta

2010-08-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

Hi..Joella..Compulsive Gossiper.

Ok so my sister says its inevitable because its in my blood: the gossiping, the constant talking, the uncontrollable yearning for a ridiculous amount of diamond jewelry, a tiara and a doctor or lawyer to marry.

Maybe it is, but I must say consistently since elementary school I have been in trouble for gossiping. I still havent learned my lesson to this day a the ripe age of 29. Ive been able to do better with it, but literally at every job ive been at ive gotten in trouble for gossiping, being overly social and too playful.

My brain is always thinking of a joke, how a situation reminds me of a Seinfield episode or In Living Color Skit. I usually can only see the humor in a situation and I guess am a pretty open person. Nothing is ever that big of a deal, unless it is obviously very personal and hurtful. I sometimes trip out on how serious people take themselves. In fact I recently got deleted off of someones facebook friends list for making fun of something on their page. I mean cmon it was FUNNY. I actually think its awesome I got deleted for it too.

So is harmless gossiping that bad? I mean of course I dont want to be known as the big blabber mouth that you cant trust. But I also see it as a way of connecting with people and tend to feel powerless over it. Like it just comes rushing out of my mouth.

I guess it all comes down to what we need to learn about everything in life: balance and respect. If it doesnt make me feel good I shouldnt do it. Im a good person.

One last thing....when you know someone has a big mouth, why do you keep telling them everything???

OY VEY!

Energy

2010-04-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

So today when I was driving to work, Lady Gaga on every station, I had a moment of deep insight. I would say to Epiphenomenol extremes. It was about energy. Now im a HUGE believer in energy, meaning: everything is energy. Now this is scientifically a fact. I mean we are all made of stars, the only thing that separates us and stars is time...but that is a whole different story. Hydrogen and helium...we are made of these energies and for me to wrap my head around it...no good. I get a little freaked out.

So back to my point. Energy. We are all walking energies. What we carry around energies including our thoughts, our past, our resentments ,our fears- is what shows up in our lives. For example: I may believe deep down or subconsciously that I am unattractive because I was a fat teenager or unlovable because my dad abandoned me, so I am automatically attracted to men whose energy is that of not emotionally available and unable to love me. Until I can clear out those beliefs which create a certain energy about me, will i then exude a different energy, attract a different type of energy to me and be attracted to a certain type of energy.

I studied Rieki energy therapy in massage school and was very skeptical going into it. I thought Whatves! This is so woo woo! Reminds me of my mom and her friends! I remember feeling particularly closed hearted that night and when my partner did energy work on my heart, I kid you not, my heart completely opened up, fearless and ready to love. Randomly shortly after I read an article about a hospital using reiki with the result being faster healing amongst injured patients. Read more about it here.

50 Universal Truths About Men

2010-03-07T16:18:00.001-08:00

By Bob Grant

1. Why should I remind you that "I love you?" I already told you once.

2. I'll do anything for sex; even commit to you for life.

3. I hate arguing with you. I'd much rather find a compromise.

4. I love long hair. Sorry, but I do.

5. When you speak softly, I can't help but listen.

6. I need to be told "no" sometimes. Not a lot, but every now and again reminds me that you are expensive.

7. Please don't ask me how you look unless you're willing to trust my answer.

8. My eyes notice other women a lot more when you are upset with me.

9. When you're happy with me I can't help but want to please you.

10. If I don't feel I can make you happy, it makes me feel less than a man.

11. I expect you to be ready when I pick you up.

12. Cigarettes make any woman look cheap and easy.

13. I'm scared if I let a woman inside my heart, she'll take advantage of me.

14. If you can't stand up to me when I'm a brat, you're too weak for me to open up to when I'm upset.

15. Sitting quietly next to me after you've made me a meal is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free ticket. You'll be surprised how quickly I can forgive.

16. You did something hurtful. If I never bring it up, I'm considering leaving you.

17. I don't read minds. Remember, I'm not a girl.

18. You may know fashion, but I wish you'd dress to please me, not other women.

19. If I'm losing my hair, it's not funny. Would you like me to joke about your weight?

20. When I talk to you about golf and you act bored, it would be nice for you to remember all the times I listened to you talk about what is important to you.

21. The woman I love is easy to please. She appreciates the effort I put into making her happy, even if I get the details wrong.

22. You look hot in a dress.

23. I hate being told what to do when I don't ask for help. It makes me feel you're my mother.

24. If you sleep over, I might eventually marry you, but I'm less motivated.

25. During sex my ears are as sensitive to your words as your skin is to my touch.

26. I need some type of signal or cue to walk across the room and approach you. What if you're married!?

27. It makes me feel like you trust me when you ask for my advice.

28. It feels competitive when you insist on being in charge.

29. Being respected is more important to me that being loved.

30. I want every guy to envy me when we arrive as a couple. Please don't let yourself go.

31. When I'm upset I am very tone sensitive. How you say it is more important that what you say..

32. I hate it when you minimize/ignore my compliments. It makes me want to stop giving them.

33. I'm more insecure than you think. Why do you think I need your respect so much?

34. I don't always know how I feel. That's why I don't tell you.

35. I don't need you to do things for me. What I crave is being able to please you.

36. If I do one thing and say something contradictory - Go with my actions, that will always tell you what's in my heart.

37. I find myself wanting to please you when you simply smile at me without asking for something. (Like a favor).

38. I really don't want to hear about any of your ex-boyfriends, regardless of the point.

39. If I don't share what I'm thinking it's because I don't think you will listen without interrupting.

40. I don't like to argue and I don't like to guess what's wrong. Just tell me so I can fix it.

41. I love it when you put your hair in a pony tail. Yes, it's a Freudian thing.

42. Don't ask me, "Are you going to wear that?" when I'm already dressed.

43. A gentleman should always be respected by his lady in public, even if she is disagreeing with him.

44. If you don't believe you're pretty, you won't believe me when I tell you, no matter how many times I say it.

45. It isn't how much you weigh; it's that your body is proportionate which is so attractive.

46. Sometimes I have weird and strange thoughts. I don't take them seriously and I don't want to share them with you (or anyone).

47. Sometimes you really don't want to know what I'm thinking. See above.

48. If you cheat on me, it is nearly impossible for me to get over it.

49. I don't remember everything about our relationship and that doesn't mean I don't love you.

50. I need some time to myself to calm down when I'm upset so that I don't say something I will regret.

Moving!

2010-03-05T23:09:00.000-08:00

So the whole time I have lived in the Desert, I have wanted to move out. But I had to finish school. At first I had a really shitty attitude about the whole thing but knew it was best for my future. Eventually, I got a great job at The Betty Ford Center, where I was able to learn so much and grow so much as a person. Next, I got to go to school at CSUSB Palm Desert Campus, which is small and intimate, so I was able to have the same group of people in my classes that I had so much fun with and got close to. I will never forget the close friendships and good times that came from a place I considered to be so boring. I realized that I kind of like a smaller, slow paced, close knit community where people are nicer and its less crowded. So I decided the southern California city that would match that best would be San Diego.

Once I really decided thats what I wanted, everything fell beautifully into place... I met a guy, he knew a girl who was hiring, got hired, gave my two weeks, girl who hired has a place for me to stay. March 15.

I have a lot of fears and anxiety about this change, but the way everything worked out, I have faith that this is right.

Find me here:

The Holy Longing

2010-02-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

.
I am reading a beautiful book called Broken Open, and here are a couple of things that touched me.

Tell a wise person or else keep silent
For the massman will mock it right away.
I praise what is truly alive
And what longs to be burned to death.
In the calm waters of the love nights
Where you were begotten,
Where you have begotten,
A strange feeling comes over you
When you see the silent candle burning.
Now you are no longer caught in this obsession with darkness
And a desire for higher lovemaking sweeps you upward.
Distance does not make you falter.
And now, arriving in magic, flying
and finally, insane for the light
You are the butterfly.
And you are gone.
And so long as you haven't experienced this,
To die and so to grow,
You are only a troubled guest on a dark earth.

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This one too:

From the beginning
I knew meeting could only
End in parting, yet
I ignored the coming dawn
And I gave myself to you

~Fujiwara no Teika

.

Bitter?

2010-01-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

"The way to overcome the bitterness is to realize that the person who really wronged you has major issues and probably has left a trail of debris every time she enters someone's life and exits like a tornado. This woman will pull the same stunt on everyone because there is such internal damage in her...in other words, what she did is not directed against you per se, but against the world. Selfish people, destructive people are like that with everyone in some form or other. So remove the bitterness by seeing your ex as pathetic."

I read this somewhere and really liked it. I think most people are essentially good people but WHAM some need to really look within themselves.

Reflections...

2010-01-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Graduating from college, FINALLY.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Passing psychology 311. I swear that class was CRA-RAZZAYYY!! I had to do three 15 page research papers in 10 weeks for the lab and then get tested on the statistics lecture.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

My mom renting my room out last minute and me then moving in with Jennys family. It has been such a great experience.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

Letting go of a relationship that wasnt working.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.

Challenging, emotional, busy

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

I don’t have a spouse but my sister would say: successful, growth, lessons

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).

Jenny is like my spouse, lol. Hers would be: Rollercoaster, emotional, growth

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Growing Yourself Back Up, John Lee (this book is awesome..its about reparenting yourself and learning to react better instead of regressing back to childhood), Mars and Venus Starting Over (Dr Gray may be old skool, but his books are so genius it blows my mind. This book is about healing after a loss and starting over)

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

I spent a lot of my time this year with Jenny, my sister and Alex. All the relationships Id say were valuable in different ways. The one with Jenny brought me a lot of support and giving, my sister brought bonding, intimacy and support, and Alex brought me love, hate, growth and many valuable lessons.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Becoming more confortable with myself, good and bad. Not putting up with being mistreated by anyone.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I am becoming more of a mature woman and am ready to be responsible for heavier things.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

Learning to trust in a higher power, surrendering and giving to others expecting nothing in return.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

Lost 20 lbs.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

This year was the first time I have been really close to a man romantically. Also I learned that I need to reach out to others--take action-- if I dont want to be lonely.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?

Umm lol...well i really am starting to get into baking.

16. What was your most challenging area of home management?

Cleaning!

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Internet!

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Spending time out of the desert!

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?

To trust myself.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.

LEARN LEARN LEARN

5 Thumbs up!!!

2009-12-28T17:31:00.000-08:00

The two best movies I have seen all year:

"Up"

I was SO impressed by this movie. It was so well written, funny, creative, touching and sweet. Very unique and straight up genius. My favorite part:

"Avatar"

Ok, so yes, there is a lot of hype around this movie, and it does start off a little slow. But this movie turned out to be a beautiful message in a fantasy of colors, action, love, spirituality and inspiration. Probably now one of my favorite movies, ever. Yes EVER!

Oh Love, I Think Im Ready, Ready For It

2009-12-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

We all have a list of certain things we need in a person/relationship. I like to put an emphasis on what I need other than what I want, because I definitely know what I need but will never know what I want. For the past year I have really felt ready to be in a relationship of depth, love and commitment on a serious level, and I am willing to risk getting hurt.

I think its important to list what it is you think you want in a person/relationship so you are not blinded by the short lived initial honeymoon feeling. Since I havent done that in awhile, I wanted to do it here:

I Need a person who is:

Warm
Honest
Affectionate
Generous
Active
Motivated
Mature yet silly
funny
fun
Intelligent
Successful (or has that potential)
Respectful towards women
Adoring
Empathetic
Willing to work on himself and look within
Spiritual
Recognizes inner qualities
Healthy
Sexy
Into me

If a guy is into playboy bunnies, strippers and the bar, he more than likely isnt for me.

Now that I read over my list I think I just described a woman! ; )

I NEED This...

2009-12-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

Ok so its only available in Korea, but its a phone with a breathalyzer in it! The amazing part of this phone is that it will not let you call or text certain people eg. ex boyfriends, if you blow a .08 or higher. GENUIS!! I LOVE to text ex boyfriends after Ive had a couple of drinks and always regret it! Yet, Ill do it all over again the next time I drink. lol.

Unicorn Happiness

2009-11-19T12:44:00.000-08:00

Ha Ha Ha. Unicorn Yourself

Mr Bird

2009-11-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

There is a little nail that holds a plant in the backyard of the Fettigs house. Most every night for the past two years this bird has made that nail its home from sunset to sunrise. I call him Mr Bird and I think its cute that he made himself a pet.

Sugardaddie.com

2009-11-11T00:19:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong that I want to join sugardaddie.com?

FINE! So you got me to I admit it ..I`already joined for a week trial! I was powerless... Im so broke and I had all of these new messages waiting in my inbox with titles like, "Travel the world with me," and, "Ill take care of everything for you," and I havent gotten this one yet but am hoping for, "Will pay off all of your student loans, credit card debt, establish an IRA and huge savings account for you!" I then was bombarded with visions of lavish trips to Europe, clothes that arent from Ross and rolling around in my new Mercedes with my sparkling diamond earrings! Ok Ok so I know that stuff doesnt make you happy,...blah blah blah but the fantasy feels sooooo good.

Anyways.....once I got into my inbox and started to open my mail, most of the men were in their fifties and either married, gross or said something perverted. I wasnt suprised. I kind of liked it. It made me laugh. It completely disgusted me.

I also was lucky to get a lot of those, you know, already written general emails that they send out to 1000 girls going like this:

"Hi there! I love hiking, golf, and the arts...yadda yadda yadda..you must be slim, this is a MUST."

So obviously im not too serious about this-- but still --cross your fingers that I get lucky and find me some suga. Oh and no disrespect to my current poor boyfriends. I still love you. This will help everyone.

; )

Disclaimer: I am very sarcastic and most of what I say is a joke. Dont take me seriously.

SUCKS!

2009-11-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

How It Was

2009-11-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

I see your light
Im not afraid to lose myself
Not anymore

I feel your sweet heart
Actions can be forgiven
I lost myself
Please forgive mine

I stare at your warm smile
So close, rare connection
I always come back for more
I love getting lost with you

Old song lyrics
We sing
Eye to eye, we smile
We light each other up

Lost together

Love I give you
Cause its just what you need
The medicine for your wounds
dimness becoming brighter

Just for tonight

And tomorrow……
And tomorrow…

Let’s get lost together

~Joella

Jenny and I

2009-11-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

Jenny and I have been friends for ten+ years now and I am so lucky and grateful to have her and her family in my life. Right now I am using an old computer of Jennys since I am temporarily staying with her family. On it I found some cute pictures of us throughout the years (actually these are all from one trip to Hawaii):

The Etiquette of Texting

2009-10-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

This blog is long but cracked me up:

CLICK HERE

Bio by Mother

2009-10-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE!

2009-10-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why
Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why
Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why
Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why
Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why
Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why???

Sorry brain but no matter how hard you try, you will probably never know why.

.

Resent Somebody?

2009-10-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

The moment you start to resent a person you become that person's slave. He or she controls your dreams, absorbs you digestion, robs you of your peace of mind and good will, and takes away the pleasure of your work. A person you resent ruins your spirituality and nullifies your prayers.

You cannot take a vacation without that person going along! He or she destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent.

The person is with you when you are awake and invades your privacy when you sleep. That person is close beside you when you eat, when you drive your car, and when you are on the job.

You can never have efficiency or happiness.

The person you resent influences even the tone of your voice. He or she requires you to take medicine for indigestion, headaches, and loss of energy.

That person even steals your last moment of consciousness before you go to sleep.

So if you want to be a slave, harbor your resentments.

.

Some Things to Remember:

2009-09-15T13:24:00.000-07:00

Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of their separate reality.
All people Live in their own mind. They are in a completely different world from the one we live in. (Separate realities)

There is no logical reason to take personally what others say and do.

When we take something personal, we make the assumption that the other person knows what is in our world. We also try to impose our world on their world. (Their Reality)

When someone has the need to be right, they will make everybody else wrong.

When you feel hurt, it is that the other person has triggered old wounds in you that have not been healed. We all carry layers and layers of old wounds that are not healed.

We have to accept the fact of separate realities or we will be frustrated and self destructive.

Our personal beliefs and other people's objectives to them will not be a source of hostility or pain when we become tolerant of other people and their way of being in the world.

Listen without judgment and the person you are with will sense your respect for their position and your willingness to listen.

I didn't write this but LOVE it!

.

"I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean

2009-09-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down
Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight."

Funny how deeply I can relate.

"You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know"

Where our heads take us.

"My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
Strange how it turns out that way "

What the truth is.

"I'd rather stay alone
I'm not gonna wait for you anymore
Kept waiting too long
I'm walking away from you tonight"

How crazy we can get.

"Strange what desire will make foolish people do...Nobody loves no one"

Just when we thought we were ok.

"And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out"

Gratitude.

"You actor
I'm sure that
I'm not gonna look at you anymore
The same"

I love music!! Feeling super emo right now. Super. Emo. But... still... want... to crack a joke.

"Now all our memories are haunted."

Beautiful New Song...

2009-09-08T14:30:00.001-07:00

My friend Karen recommended this to me and now im hooked:

I like this song too:

I Cant Believe Im Saying This....

2009-09-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

But I want to start a masters degree program in spiritual psychology. I found of a couple of programs in LA area I just want to make sure they are accredited.

This one looks a little shady but you never know:

Masters in SP

This one looks really good:

Masters in SP#2

Hmm more to be revealed. :)

.

A Little Warmth....

2009-09-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

You Will Survive
You will get better
No doubt about it
The healing process has a beginning, middle and an end.
Keep in mind, at the beginning, that there is an end. It’s not that far off. You will heal.
Nature is on your side, and nature is a powerful ally.
Tell yourself, often, “I am alive. I will survive.”
You are alive
You will survive

"Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying"

2009-09-05T01:24:00.001-07:00

Life is going so well for me right now and Im excited for what the future holds. Im going to hang out with my sister in the OC for labor day weekend and am grateful to spend time with her. She has really been there for me, always.

Its nice to surround myself with positive people, who are supportive and doing great things in life. It only enhances my life and inspires me to be a better person and most importantly be able to do well helping others.

I had some "part of life" struggles this summer and am feeling so much inner peace about all of it. Sometimes endings need to come and it helps if they include a slap in the face. I truly believe when something is supposed to be in your life, the universe will make you feel like you are going in the right direction. But if its not, there will be constant struggle until you make a change or until the change is made for you.

At work I was facilitating a 12-step group with the patients and found a really great article about fear. I had the group identify unhealthy fears vs healthy fears, resulting in healthy fears related to instinct and unhealthy fears related to power and control. Then we read and processed on Step three which is about surrendering to a higher power. A lot of people struggle with the concept of a God or higher power. But what do we fear most: the unknown , right? Well why cant the unknown be your higher power? Maybe surrender to the unknown? Maybe just that will relieve your worry, fears, obsessing etc? That works for me anyway (not to get preachy, lol).

I love the quote that I made the title of my blog, "get busy living or get busy dying," because I have lived life like I was "dead" before. I fell victim to my circumstances, my looks, my past and especially FEAR. I really thought there was no point. That we just live life and die. That nothing really matters and no one really cares. Then I just thought... well im here, I might not know the answers but I might as well make it great while im here. We are all in this together. Being able to change the way I viewed the world changed my whole life. I still have A LOT to work on within myself but I am the happiest ive ever been, see the humor in almost every situation and feel excited about my life. That is truly a miracle, truly. Action is the magic word.

“Om Suasti Astu”

Hehehe.....

2009-09-01T15:14:00.000-07:00

I like...

2009-08-31T14:01:00.000-07:00

Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. This means that we don't really like them. It is easier to find someone who is already the way you want him or her to be, instead of trying to change that person. Relinquish the need to change others.

Advice From A Failure

2009-08-30T15:31:00.000-07:00

You do not need to be loved- not at the cost of yourself.
The single relationship that is truly central in a life
Is your relationship with yourself
It is rewarding to find someone you like,
It is essential to like yourself.
It is quickening to recognize that someone
is a good and decent human being.
It is indispensable to view your own self that way.
It is a delight to discover people
who are worthy of respect, admiration and love.
It is vital to believe yourself deservingof respect, admiration and love.
For you cannot live in someone else.
Of all the people that you will ever know in a lifetime
You're the only one that you will never lose or leave.
To the question of your life, you are the answer.
To the problems of your life, you are the solution.
~Jo Coudert

Sometimes We Must Lose Ourselves.....

2009-08-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

I really think that people can feel those things inside, and by those things I mean in relationships, when something is not right. We may question ourselves or regret our decision later but something, somewhere, at that time we were emotionally, physically, mentally not ready either within ourselves or with that certain person. Maybe that person brought out the worst in us and not the best like they should. Maybe we have a gaping hole so deep that we know we can never make a certain person happy but meet someone the next day we think we can. Whether that person is nicer, less or more attractive, brings out the passion in us or may even provide us with a certain sense of safety, balance or security. Either way they are fulfilling a need that is within us.

Hypothetically I can think in my last relationship that the guy put me on a pedestal and thought somehow he could never make me happy- or just not now anyways. Maybe thinking that a different kind of person, who made him feel less inadequate would value him and not abandon him like he thought I would inevitably come to my senses and do. Maybe that's just what I need to think to move on, but needless to say he was not meeting my needs or treating me with value, oddly while still thinking highly of me. The fact that I stayed in it showed my lack of self respect maybe fueling his lack of respect. But I had my own fear driven needs and fantasy's that NEEDED desperately to be filled.

From date one our relationship had an unhealthiness about it and that went on for months. We of course were best friends and connected on many levels, but underneath it all was the pink elephant of the inevitable ending slowly clouding over us. All of the unhealthiness that came out during that relationship- right to the surface- the things and issues we both need to deal with.

As the months passed the time finally came when important events were coming up in my life and he just was not interested as he should have been at that point. I realized this clearly as I walked down the stairs towards the stage at my graduation. Walking in front of me was my married friend, same age as me, and at the end of the stairs her young husband with a video camera cheering for his woman whom he was so proud of. Of course we were not near that or any deep level of commitment, but the principle was that I want the man I'm with to want to be there cheering me on. Where was my guy? Lets just say he was not there, and never really ever there- and therefore I never fully gave myself. I always felt like I was holding back, but really in all modesty, that was a loss for him.

The saddest part was how it all ended. Me walking away without any dignity and completely loosing myself in shock, rejection and betrayal. Completely loosing myself. Loosing my fantasy, my obsession, my habit, my dream. All in my head. Realizing that I gave him power over me. Disgusted by someone whom I loved. Seeing that there is definitely a thin line between love and hate. A side of myself now wrapped in shame, and letting go realizing I can never change what happened, I can only change myself.

In the end I am very grateful for my friendship with him and losing some of myself within the experience. Now all I can do is focus on healing and finding that part of me that I lost.